PapaSeanski

Photo by Yaraaa

It happens to all of us. We sit down, take out a blank piece of paper, and then we stare.

And then we stare some more.

You have an essay to write. The odds are stacked against you. It’s you vs. the paper and pen. You fight desperately to finish your first sentence, but the pen immediately puts you in a headlock while the paper gives you an atomic wedgie. You get tossed out the ring, and have to spend the next few hours recovering from the ill effects of atomic wedgie radiation.

But what if you had Hulk Hogan as your tag-team partner? With Hulk nation on your side, you could choke that pen into submission while Hulk body slams the paper. Here are some ways to tag Hulk into the writing ring with you.

Get Hulk Hogan to write for you. For about 50,000 dollars and up, you can get Hulk Hogan to come and personally write your essay, do your homework, or just stare down your teacher until you get an A+. Try to get Hulk to stare down the teacher so that you can just hand in Hulkamania bandanas for future assignments. If you are writing a blog, get Hulk’s signature and copy it to the bottom of all your posts. Hulk Hogan’s signature will lift your writing over his bald head, and throw it into awesomeness.

Photo by Cirofono

Buy a Hulk Hogan action figure. It’s rare, but sometimes I come up just 20 bucks short of the 50,000 needed to book Hogan. My 30 page research paper on the history of peanut butter is no where near done and Hulk is no where in sight. The next best thing is to have my Hulk Hogan action figure pin my paper down for a 3 count, or until it begs for mercy, whichever comes first. After my Hulk action figure pounds those annoying wide margins down to size, I can step in and finish the job. Keep the action figure where it is visible to the paper and pencil at all times so you don’t waste the stare down power of Hulk’s mustache.

Photo by cyancey

Always use a No. 2 pencil or banana. Using any other writing device implies ambiguity as to who is No. 1. If you are truly going to conquer your fear of writing, you must be large and in charge. Writing with a No. 2 pencil means you understand the basic laws of physics, and abide by the hierarchical nature of the universe.

Hulk Hogan and tag-team partner (you). = Numero uno.

All writing tasks = Numero dos.

Break a pencil in half. Pencils and other writing utensils are not protected by the Geneva Convention so you are free to maim, torture, and kill as you please. If a pencil is uncooperative, get Hulk Hogan to break it in half or do it yourself. Leave the broken graphite remains nearby. The other pens and pencils in the vicinity will know their destiny if they resist making beautiful sentences.

Photo by zhurnaly

Wear wrestling tights. Don’t expect to get in the writing ring with Hulk with just your pajamas and expect to win. Dress like you came to wrestle and write. That means no Spider-Man underwear or CareBear socks. And don’t think writing in a suit and tie will make you feel like a professional writer. I have never heard more bologni in my life. All that does is make it easier for someone to take you by that leash around your neck and toss you into a garbage can. Instead wear bright neon tights, so you are harder to grab by your opponent.

Photo by Courtney Nash

Listen to your theme song. I’ve read propaganda on other blogs and websites that say you should listen to music to boost your creative rocket ship into space. This is not true. You need a theme song that will give your writing topics the heebie jeebies. You need an anthem that will make consonants and vowels assemble themselves into words out of fear. Be careful what you pick. Listening to the Knight Rider theme song would be acceptable, but playing any of David Hasselhoff’s attempts at music will banish you to wackville.

Make a wrestling ring. Some people say that you should organize a work space if want to be more productive. That may be true if you want to churn out meaningless excel spreadsheets all day for your supervisor. But if you want to conquer your fear of writing, then you have to make a battlefield, not a cubicle. You can’t expect Hulk Hogan to help you much in an office or cubicle anyway. You need a wrestling ring. Where do you think the Declaration of Independence was written? In a wrestling ring.

Photo by emme-dk

Get to the point. More is not always better. There is no need to fill up page after page of fluff. Hulk Hogan hates fluff. Why be scared to write 10 pages of crap when you can just write a Hulk Hogan quote at the top of the page. Think about it from the reader’s perspective. Would you rather sift through paragraph after paragraph until to find a sentence worth reading, or would you rather have Hulk Hogan bring the heat with just a stomp or two. Write like you are hitting someone over the head with a chair when the referee not looking. Don’t write like you are trying to tickle Tickle Me Elmo to death.

And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. ~Sylvia Plath

Sometimes I’m at a loss for words when writing articles for my site. The ideas just don’t seem to flow unto paper even though I can write down anything I want. Then I realized, it is not so much that I have nothing to write about, but rather that I’m

Scared.
Scared to post writing that isn’t ‘good enough.’
Scared that no one would be interested in what I have to say.
Scared that my topics are too off base.
Scared that I haven’t revised my post enough.
Scared that I don’t have my facts right.

This can go on forever.

Of course it’s a little scary to post an article that is accessible to millions of people. You are putting yourself out there for everyone to see. But just think, isn’t that why you started your website in the first place? To reach, teach, and learn from others? Take that fear and write about it. Fear is a wonderful topic in itself. Not only can you learn a lot from yourself by writing about your fears, your readers will learn a lot from you as well. They will see that you are a human being with faults and fears, just like everyone else. In fact, I’d bet that your readers will be the first to support and encourage you. Anyone who laughs is a dirtbag anyway. They are too insecure to admit their own fears.

You think you don’t have any ideas, but that’s not true. Writing just seems like a trip to the dentist, prying out stubborn ideas, when you have self-doubt. That’s ok though. Lets channel that self-doubt to the pen.

Take out a pen and piece of paper, and write continuously about ANYTHING for 5 minutes without stopping.

Don’t worry.
Don’t worry about grammar.
Don’t worry if you write something that doesn’t make sense.
Don’t worry about making sentences.
Don’t worry if your handwriting looks like chicken scratch.

It doesn’t matter.

One rule I forgot to tell you about. ABSOLUTELY NO ERASING.

If the same thought comes up over and over again. Write it down over and over again. Draw diagrams and pictures if you have to. The point is not to articulate your topics as best as possible (although that wouldn’t be bad), but to train yourself to just write, to just get used to putting a pen to paper. If typing is easier, then do that.

When I used to teach 7th grade English at summer camp, I would begin each class with the same exercise. The stuff these kids would come up with is pretty creative. I don’t have the actually papers anymore, but a short sample might go like this.

“This sucks this sucks this sucks this sucks this sucks this sucks this sucks this sucks why am I here? this sucks this sucks this sucks I wonder what is for lunch if they don’t have chocolate milk I will be angry I want chocolate I want chocolate when I have chocolate I’m the mayor I’m the master of the universe. I’m going to hit 4 homeruns in kickball. I don’t know. What time is it? Time to get my TV show sipping on chocolate milk.”

Then I would take that paper, and ask

“What do you mean you have nothing to say? I want you to write me three pages in detail about what your TV show is going to be about. Master of the universe? I never knew you had super powers like that? I want you to walk me through a routine day for a master of the universe. Make me feel like I know what you go through.”

No topic was too silly or too serious. All I did was ask them to elaborate on their own ideas. Before they knew it, their fear of writing had vanished by the end of the summer. In just 5 minutes of speed writing, the kids had a wealth of topics to write on.

You have 5 minutes to spare. Try it. If you come up with something interesting, email me, or post your session as a comment. Let’s see what we come up with.

Image by Mayr