PapaSeanski

Photo by PocketWiley

Today I woke up hungry for some sugary goodness. So I go to the kitchen only to find out that there is no more cereal. I look in all the cabinets to make sure. All gone.

This is a problem.

How does society expect me to function and contribute meaningfully to the world without my daily dose of Peanut Butter Crunch? How am I supposed to unite the world under the gooey umbrella of peanut butter?

With my life, liberty, and happiness in jeopardy, I quickly get dressed and go to the supermarket for a box or two of peanut butter crunch. I check the whole aisle. There is none. I try another store. None. One store without Peanut Butter Crunch is possible. Two stores without it is a pattern. But three stores without it is an evil Canadian plan.

Sensing that the peanut butter crunch equilibrium of the universe has somehow been disturbed, I run home to put on the cartoon network, a respected news organization. They are broadcasting a town hall meeting where I live, explaining the cereal shortage. View clip below for actual footage.

That’s right. Blame Canada.

The U.S. dollar has been weakening against the Canadian dollar, because we are printing money at a furious rate to fund a war against Middle Eastern evil doers. This allows sneaky Canadians to step in and buy U.S products like Peanut Butter Crunch at a cheaper rate. While we Americans are struggling to pay 4 bucks for a gallon of Peanut Butter Crunch to get to work, the streets of Montreal and Toronto are paved with Peanut Butter Crunch.

“This not just about the falling value of our currency and volatile credit markets” says Wall street analyst Fred Mcgee from Ho Phat Capital. “This is about Canadians crunching on our cereal. That’s why Wall Street calls this the credit crunch.”

All this time the media has fed us propaganda saying Mexico is the enemy. Immigration this. Guest worker that. Forget Mexico. The real enemy is up north. Canada and cereal both start with the letter C, a coincidence to obvious to ignore.

Need more proof? Watch this clip. In 1995, Canada assumed a threatening military posture along the border, waiting for the perfect moment to invade. Thanks to an anonymous tip call to the pentagon, we were able to send double secret agent John Candy to stop the Canadian threat in time. Operation Canadian Bacon was a huge success, defeating the entire Canadian army during the summer with three snow balls and a super soaker gun.

The Canadian threat is resurfacing again, and this time we can’t count on the late John Candy. We must unite. We must have resolve.

We must have our Peanut Butter Crunch!