Ending the Iraq War: Why we should drop Big Bird over Baghdad
Photo by Rafa1980
Gone are the days where I could get a crude oil massage at the spa, and sip on sparkling gasoline at cocktail parties. The Iraq War has gone on for too long, taking valuable media time away from legitimate world issues like Britney Spear’s baby daddy. We can’t expect to find Osama Bin Laden if we can’t locate Britney’s boy toys.
Sure money is being wasted, and people are dying, but what about those who have no voices…like our SUVs. We need to find a quick fix before my Gasoline Java Chip Frappacino with a shot of espresso, topped with whipped cream, gets cold.
We need something better.
We need something bigger.
We need Big Bird.
It makes total sense. Big Bird has his own sponsors, usually some alphabet letter and a random number, so there is no monetary risk. He is even good friends with Snuffleupagus, a big hairy elephant, who will snuff anybody at the drop of a dime. That’s not all, Big Bird has…
Size. Big Bird is…well…pretty damn big. Big Bird would tower over even the tallest insurgent standing on their tippy toes, making him a clear favorite to win any dunk contests that may arise during battle. You may think being a huge mound of feathers would make easy target practice for evil doers that are shooting at our Sesame Street superstar, but his size is deceptively useful. As the great military strategist, Sun Tzu once said,
“All warfare is based on deception”
During Operation Desert Storm, Big Bird was equipped with a blow horn, and tooted his way through the unforgiving Iraqi terrain disguised as a yellow school bus.
In 1980, diplomatic ties between the U.S. and Iran were tested when pro-revolution Iranian students took 52 U.S. diplomats hostage. The U.S. attempted to rescue the hostages, but Operation Eagle Claw was a complete failure. Eagles are cool, but they lacked the focus needed to get the job done. They were too busy filming a music video with Nelly for the song “Get Your Eagle On.” The day before Ronald Reagan was inaugurated into the oval office, Big Bird snuck into Iran as a giant yellow crayon, and retrieved the hostages by drawing an escape door on the wall using crayola colors fuzzy wuzzy brown and neon carrot. True story.
Motor skills. Most 8 foot, 200 lb, birds are slow and clumsy. Not Big Bird. His feet are super quick, with his left leg clocking an impressive 110 hokey pokeys per second. Big Bird also set the standard for disco dancing, choreographing John Travolta’s footwork in Saturday Night Fever. The movie was such a box office hit that the U.S. military adopted his dance routine for possible military applications. Disco dancing is now considered the most efficient way to avoid land mines in enemy territory.
Uncanny dexterity gives Big Bird the rare ability to touch his nose and rub his tummy at the same time, helping him become a two-time belly dancing world champion. His belly dancing prowess was crucial to the success of finding Suddam Hussein in that underground Hookah bar in Baghdad.
Bio blues. Since Big Bird has a person completely enclosed within his feathery frame, scientists believe the excessive contact between human and puppet bird is what caused the avian influenza virus, “Big Bird Flu,” to adapt to humans as viable hosts.
The monkey from Outbreak was a guest on Sesame Street weeks before the documentary was released in theaters nation wide. Big bird carries a picture of Dustin Hoffman in his wallet for handling that situation for him. The Center for Disease Control also confirmed that Big Bird caused the West Nile virus, and the word ‘guestimate’ to become widely used
Celebrity. Big Bird is internationally known, so we have to milk his celebrity till the udders of American imperialism run dry. Immortalized on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame, Big Bird has VIP access to posh dance clubs and exotic resorts that are off limits to military personnel and ordinary civilians. He can infiltrate elite social circles to recruit decorated heroes like Tom Cruise and Bruce Willis. With that kind of star power, we could pound Iraq into submission by dropping 2 ton award-show gift bags from the comfort of a private jet.
Tags: Big Bird, Iraq War, Sesame Street